How to Play Monopoly

Humor, My Life

Monopoly appears to be a love or hate game. Mostly, people detest the game because of how long it takes to finish. They complain, “By the time it’s over, the game has evolved into a sentient being!”

No fear! We here in the McDermott household have the solutions to your Monopoly woes. Why don’t you like the game? The answer is simple: you don’t play like a McDermott. You must learn from the Monopoly-Jedi Masters that we are. Fortunately, we are kind and humble enough to share our Monopoly secrets with you. Without further ado, here are the ways to do it.

SETUP TIME SAVER

Don’t spend time counting out the fifteen hundred dollars you’re supposed to start out with. Who’s got that kind of time? It’s simpler to have this memorized: you get two five hundreds, two one hundreds, two fifties, six twenties, five tens, five fives, and five ones.

Also learn the rent and house-building prices. Memorize all of this. We don’t have time for you to count money and check prices. I know. You’ll sigh and say, “I’ll try.” Our response will be to simply wag our finger at you and say, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

BOARD LAYOUT

You should be able to maneuver around the board faster then it takes to say P. Sherman 42, Wallaby Way, Sidney. Please – for the love of all that’s holy! – do not count each space when moving your piece. If you do, you may cause one of us to start weeping because we feel our lives are ebbing away as you slowly count, “1 .. 2 .. 3 ..”

To save our sanity and your time, we’ll tell you a not-so-hidden secret: there are ten spaces between each corner of the board and ten spaces between each railroad. The railroads mark the halfway point between each corner. If you get a seven and you’re on Go!, you land two spaces in front of Reading Railroad. (On a side note, it’s pronounced, REDDING not REEDING). If you get a ten, you’re visiting jail where all the slow Monopoly players should go. With this knowledge, you should be able to play fast enough that, by the time you’re done rolling, it’s your turn again.

DON’T BLINK

You snooze, you lose. And if you blink, you lose. If your opponent lands on your property, you have to intelligently declare, “MINE!!!” before the next person rolls the dice. If you don’t, you won’t get paid. So watch your property like a hawk to ensure that you will get your money. Only if you’re under the age of 10 will we take pity on your soul.

You may think, “But this is a family-building game where we play with understanding and love.” Where do you think you are – Equestria? This is WAR, honey! We’ll bankrupt you the second we get the chance.

FREE PARKING

Sometimes you land on either luxury or income tax during the game and you have to pay up. Some people put the money they paid on Free Parking in hopes they’ll land on it and get their money back. What are you doing? Are you trying to prolong the game? No matter what Bernie Sanders tells you, there is no such thing as Free Parking in real life. Thus it shouldn’t be an option in a game.

TRADE WARS

In the McDermott household, we use to hide some of our Monopoly money. We’d do this to dupe our opponent into thinking we have less money then we did so we could get all sorts of cash from them from the trade. But, alas, this tradition came to an end because it was rendered useless. Strangely enough, not being totally honest with how much money you have caused people to be cynical. They’d check under the board and in the ceiling fan for the hidden money. This hurt the speed of the game so it was tossed out.

Trades are generally done with fairness, but if you’re an adult and you found yourself swindled out of property or money, it’s your fault. You agreed to the trade. Remember, this is a war, not a game.

NOW, PLAY THE GAME!

Now that I have bestowed upon you the coveted secrets of Monopoly playing, young padawan, you should now be able to finish the game within an hour. And remember …. slowness leads to suffering. We Monopoly-Jedi Masters wish you luck on your quest.

Live long and prosper.

We Are the Music Makers

Art

I bought this roll desk a little while ago and had/have a big art project in mind. I plan on painting both sides, the top, and the front of the drawer something that represents different kinds of art and imagination. So one side I painted Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory since not too many human beings, fictional or otherwise, are as imaginative then Willy Wonka.

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My brother came up with the idea of Willy Wonka leaving in the corner. I found the idea of it quite good and added it in there.

As soon as I paint the rest of the sides, I will post pictures here. I shall try to post more often but it may be hard for the next couple of weeks. My sister’s wedding is nine days away so a post probably won’t happen before then.

Let me know what you think!

Story Length

Art, Media

Just read an article that is definitely true of any art format – especially movies and books. But mostly movies.

More, just in it of itself, is not better. Marvel movies tend to be this way (don’t freak; I do enjoy a few of the movies). Way too much fighting. Cars blowing up are cool and hand to hand combats are pretty awesome, but after twenty minutes, with promises more will come, I get bored. I need to see the characters interacting. Growing. Learning something new.

Enough talking. I will let the article speak for itself. Enjoy!

http://speculativefaith.lorehaven.com/more-is-not-better/

A New Year

Art, Humor

What’s up, peeps? I’m finally back after a month. Combining the Christmas season, family, a cold, and working on a freelance job, it’s been fairly hectic. Oh, and put in the fact I wanted a day off or two to just rest. But I’m back and hoping to post more often!

It’s a bit late, but here’s a New Year comic I drew in a moment of inspiration. Hope you like it!near year comic

Jordy and Aaron

Art

I drew this picture of Jordy and Aaron, using my colored pencils this way for the first time ever. I’m a massive Green Bay Packers fan. I miss Jordy like crazy, and I believe Aaron and the Packers do as well. They could use his receiver leadership right now and he had a chemistry with Aaron that can’t be rivaled. Seeing Jordy in the Raiders uniform makes me sad. I really wish the Packers could’ve given Aaron and Jordy a second Super Bowl ring together like they deserved. But, alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

JA_horiz_1JA_horiz_2JA_horiz_3I hope Jordy gets another ring, with or without the Packers. Preferably with the Packers though. 😉

Hope Aaron gets one too! He deserves it.