How to Play Monopoly

Humor, My Life

Monopoly appears to be a love or hate game. Mostly, people detest the game because of how long it takes to finish. They complain, “By the time it’s over, the game has evolved into a sentient being!”

No fear! We here in the McDermott household have the solutions to your Monopoly woes. Why don’t you like the game? The answer is simple: you don’t play like a McDermott. You must learn from the Monopoly-Jedi Masters that we are. Fortunately, we are kind and humble enough to share our Monopoly secrets with you. Without further ado, here are the ways to do it.


Don’t spend time counting out the fifteen hundred dollars you’re supposed to start out with. Who’s got that kind of time? It’s simpler to have this memorized: you get two five hundreds, two one hundreds, two fifties, six twenties, five tens, five fives, and five ones.

Also learn the rent and house-building prices. Memorize all of this. We don’t have time for you to count money and check prices. I know. You’ll sigh and say, “I’ll try.” Our response will be to simply wag our finger at you and say, “Do or do not. There is no try.”


You should be able to maneuver around the board faster then it takes to say P. Sherman 42, Wallaby Way, Sidney. Please – for the love of all that’s holy! – do not count each space when moving your piece. If you do, you may cause one of us to start weeping because we feel our lives are ebbing away as you slowly count, “1 .. 2 .. 3 ..”

To save our sanity and your time, we’ll tell you a not-so-hidden secret: there are ten spaces between each corner of the board and ten spaces between each railroad. The railroads mark the halfway point between each corner. If you get a seven and you’re on Go!, you land two spaces in front of Reading Railroad. (On a side note, it’s pronounced, REDDING not REEDING). If you get a ten, you’re visiting jail where all the slow Monopoly players should go. With this knowledge, you should be able to play fast enough that, by the time you’re done rolling, it’s your turn again.


You snooze, you lose. And if you blink, you lose. If your opponent lands on your property, you have to intelligently declare, “MINE!!!” before the next person rolls the dice. If you don’t, you won’t get paid. So watch your property like a hawk to ensure that you will get your money. Only if you’re under the age of 10 will we take pity on your soul.

You may think, “But this is a family-building game where we play with understanding and love.” Where do you think you are – Equestria? This is WAR, honey! We’ll bankrupt you the second we get the chance.


Sometimes you land on either luxury or income tax during the game and you have to pay up. Some people put the money they paid on Free Parking in hopes they’ll land on it and get their money back. What are you doing? Are you trying to prolong the game? No matter what Bernie Sanders tells you, there is no such thing as Free Parking in real life. Thus it shouldn’t be an option in a game.


In the McDermott household, we use to hide some of our Monopoly money. We’d do this to dupe our opponent into thinking we have less money then we did so we could get all sorts of cash from them from the trade. But, alas, this tradition came to an end because it was rendered useless. Strangely enough, not being totally honest with how much money you have caused people to be cynical. They’d check under the board and in the ceiling fan for the hidden money. This hurt the speed of the game so it was tossed out.

Trades are generally done with fairness, but if you’re an adult and you found yourself swindled out of property or money, it’s your fault. You agreed to the trade. Remember, this is a war, not a game.


Now that I have bestowed upon you the coveted secrets of Monopoly playing, young padawan, you should now be able to finish the game within an hour. And remember …. slowness leads to suffering. We Monopoly-Jedi Masters wish you luck on your quest.

Live long and prosper.

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