Stand Still

My Life, Serious

I go through phases in this difficult time. Being discouraged will do that to you. At times I’m optimistic, happy and ready to get at it. “With a little time and more hard work, I’ll get a job,” I tell myself. At other times, it seems entirely hopeless and there’s no real point to my hard work. Perhaps my dreams are not meant to come true. Perhaps I’m not talented enough. Everywhere I look, someone is thirty times better then me, in animation and drawing. Perhaps I’m to go to college and be forced to get a degree in something I don’t like. All things practical I don’t really care for. I’m a dreamer. I can’t help it. Perhaps it’s not time yet. Perhaps, after some time has passed, I’ll dream new dreams and maybe, just maybe, those will come true.

Then I tell myself that I really don’t have it bad. It’s true. I really don’t. I have awesome parents and siblings who love and support me. They are my best friends and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m blessed to be in a situation where I can work hard on my dreams and not have to pay rent at the same time. I live in a country where I can worship God freely. I’m not in want. I’m not in need. I don’t know hunger. Many, many more people have it worse then I do. So many more. I’m no better then anyone. But I’m blessed. Truly, truly blessed. I can’t stress that enough.

My problem is that I feel like my life is at a perfect stand still, no matter how hard I push to move it. As more time passes, the less patience I have. The more I feel, “Did I waste all that time and money for school for a job I will never get?”

Then there’s the personal dream. The part of me that wishes to be married. To have a family. To have kids of my own. Perhaps this too is not meant to be. I’m on a dating website but it feels like sifting through a pile of hay looking for the right needle. Near impossible. I’ve tried local Bible studies but have never really felt at home. They were always good people; we just never clicked. I’m a dreamer looking for a fellow dreamer or a non dreamer who understands. I date to get married (yes, dating is used to try to get know someone better, and that someone may not be Prince Charming, but the purpose of it is to get married eventually); not just to hang out with a guy for a couple hours a day. And at this rate, it starts to feel like maybe there’s something wrong with me. Am I unlikeable? Do I make bad first impressions? Am I not outgoing enough? Is there something wrong with me?

I know none of those are true, but those types of doubts and fears come over you when it starts to seem hopeless. It’s just my emotions talking. They aren’t always right or logical you know. The time has just not come yet to have a husband.

Where does that leave me? I’m not sure. How much longer do I try for my dream job? Should I move on, go to college, get a regular job, and then work on it on the side? When do I move on? Should I try a different approach? What would that be? Am I meant to have a different type of job in the artistic field? What would that be? What am I doing wrong?

So many questions and no specific answers. But this I know:

My God cares for me. My Heavenly Father loves me. He knows my wants, my needs, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. He knows whats best for me. And what’s best for me isn’t always what I want. My dreams may not come true, but perhaps I was meant to try. And even if they never come to pass, God has something better in store for me. He knows my talents and how and where they work best. It may not be in animation or in media; but it could be elsewhere. God understands. He knows I’m just human and I can only do so much. I’m His daughter. He will take care of me. I will be okay. I will be, and am, happy in a way that no husband or job can ever make me. God will use this beautiful mess in ways I can’t imagine that I may never fully know. And that thought brings me joy.

I just need to be patient. I need to keep working but I also need to listen. And sometimes that might mean I need to stand still for a moment and just simply listen.

I will say it again: Jesus loves me. He cares. When I cry at night, feeling untalented and unwanted by the outside world and when I’m dancing in the kitchen for no good reason. I don’t always feel it. I’m human. I just need a reminder every now and then when things seem hopeless. Really though things are never hopeless.

Not with Jesus by my side.

He loves you too. Life is difficult and you won’t be happy all the time. It’s a fantasy to think so. But I know Whom I’ve believed in and I know He is able. I have the joy of salvation. No human, no worldly thing, no nothing can ever take it away from me. It’s a beautiful thing. I hope you know it too.

Zephania 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in hear, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Isaiah 40:28-31: “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but hose who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Romans 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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