(I would write an introduction for this article, but that would be included on the list of useless things in humanity so I won’t put one here).
1. Blu-Ray DVDs
What good did Blu-Ray do for anybody? The quality looked no different. For a cheap Blu-Ray player (which you can spend up to a $1,000 for), you’ll spend at least twice the amount compared with a regular, ol’ DVD player. Oh! And don’t forget you have to pay for even more expensive DVDs. As if spending twenty bucks for a new DVD isn’t enough.
But wait! you say. They have bonus features! That’s what YouTube is for, honey. You wait for the Blu-Ray owners to upload it on the ‘Tube so you can watch it with money still in your pockets while congratulating yourself for your economic ingenuity.
2. Plastic knives
After many, many scientific tests, to make quite sure we didn’t mess this one up, the only food item a plastic knife can cut is cool whip. This is why plastic knives are useless. It’s like trying to bail out of a sinking boat with a teaspoon. Terrible.
It tastes like nothing. It’s like eating textured water. Very weird.
And have you ever noticed that when you’re cooking you totally skip or forget the part of the recipe that says to put in celery? And if you do put it in, no one can tell. And if they can tell, you’ve done something terribly wrong.
This points out how useless celery is. It’s just extra work with no results. Like plastic knives.
4. Rubric Cubes
The rubric cube is very definition of an impossible task. No matter how hard you try, all the pretty white squares will not end up on the same side. It’s cruel joke by some sick human being.
5. Pet Rock
Have you ever met those people who are inexplicably happy? One of them was probably the guy who invented the pet rock. Who knew you could become a millionaire by selling rocks? He must be the greatest salesman ever.The man just glued eyes on rocks, for Pete’s sake! And maybe painted them if they were real fancy like.
It’d be way cheaper to: grab a rock from your backyard, go to Wal-Mart and grab some eyeballs and paint, and voila! You have yourself a pet rock. You may now congratulate yourself for being so self-sufficient. Don’t forget to walk it!
6. Pants with no pockets
Have you ever had a pair of pants from the thrift store and then found out that SOMEONE sewed the pockets shut?? Or gotten those pants that LOOK like they have pockets but have none?? Whoever came up with these ideas should be taken to court.
And for some weird reason, it’s just girl pants that have this problem. Why? What did I do to deserve this? Like, seriously, I need pants with pockets. I have a phone. I drive a car. I have a grocery list. I just want pockets – not those dumb shallow pockets that helped no one ever – so I can stick my phone in it with it falling out. Is that so much to ask?
7. Daylight Savings
Remember a time when daylight savings mattered? Oh wait! You don’t! It hasn’t mattered for two hundred years!
And it also messes with you. Like, is it, “Spring forward; fall back,” or “Spring back; fall forward”? And then you have to Google so you’re not either late or early for church.
The most useful sporks have ever been, and ever will be, is the VeggieTales spoof of the Orcs in their parody of The Lord of the Rings.
But for actual eating purposes, nothing. No normal human being has sporks lying around their house. What is it for anyway? It’s not a spoon. It’s not a fork. It’s terribly awkward. Like puberty.
9. Blank Cards
Why do these exist anyway? There’s nothing in them. Nothing pre-written. Isn’t the whole point of buying a card so that you can do as little work as possible? You’re just buying a crease. An expensive crease at that. Which is why it’s totally useless. Unless you like creases for some weird reason.
10. All the Buttons on the Remote Except Five
If you’re like me, you like watching TV in the dark so it feels more like a theatre experience. If there is any time during the movie you need either a coffee or bathroom break, you spend twenty minutes looking for the dumb pause button. You press about eighty useless buttons, things begin to appear on your TV that you have never seen before and pray you can figure out how to fix it all. And then, miracle of miracles, you finally hit the pause button! And once you again get yourself situated, you have to rewind to get back to where you were when the fiasco first started.
The TV people – whomever they may be – should seriously do humanity a favor and take way all the buttons except five. And make the surviving five WAY bigger so it’s easy to find in the dark.